is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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