Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
and she was petting her beer can
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
