oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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