just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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