hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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