I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
