This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
