I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
