listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
