Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
