I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
