I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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