I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
