I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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