I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
