She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
