Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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