I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
