one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
