i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
