my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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