I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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