I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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