I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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