im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize