I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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