Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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