fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
