..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The beer is more important than you right now.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
