Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The Olympian is in my bed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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