So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
