My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize