hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
