Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
