Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize