Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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