I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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