One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
