3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
that is very illegal...i love you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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