mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
