I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
