While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
