he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
