I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
