I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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