Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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