Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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