He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize