Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
