I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
