I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You made out with two different species that night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
