I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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