I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
