Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
