They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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