it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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