His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I can't put those talents on a resume
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
